Demonstrate Control   (Part 2)                              (back to Part 1)
--Don’t Forget to Listen

I once heard the following joke on the difference between
Japanese and Americans.  The Japanese will send twenty people
to an American company to listen to everything the Americans have
to say; the Americans will send one person to the Japanese
company and tell them everything he has to say.  Those who argue
that Westerners are poor listeners have never seen men all over
this country enraptured in front of the television for every inning,
quarter, half, halftime and overtime.  The problem is not that people
don’t know how to listen.  The problem is they don’t want to listen.

So how do we become better listeners in situations we're not keen
to be in?  The answer is to eliminate yourself from the situation.  
This is not some zen principle that I picked up from the corner
temple while in Asia.  This is common sense.  If you’ve ever spied
on someone or overheard a conversation you weren’t supposed to
hear, you know how “in the moment” you can be when you’re “not
there.”  To be an alert and aware listener requires you to get rid
of every reference to “I,” “me,” “my” and “mine.”  

Take for example a wife who is telling her husband for the tenth
time to take out the garbage as he watches TV.  The truly unwise
husbands respond: “Honey, I've had a long day, so screw it!”  The
challenge now, before the divorce papers are served, is to create a
sentence that takes the husband out of the equation:  “She needs
someone to take out the garbage because she’s had a very long
day too and would appreciate it if someone could help her out.”  
Then it becomes clear the television isn't the priority.  

All of this, of course, is easier said than done.  It’s a demanding--
some say impossible--way to approach communication because
we naturally think that everything should relate back to us.  But to
practice taking yourself out of a situation is to allow others to speak
more candidly and clearly, and to increase your chances of hearing
what’s being said.  Think of it as having an out-of-body experience
where you’re assured of never having a dull moment.    

The key word is balance, not boredom.  Before we convince
ourselves that we’re all tired of our relationships, we owe it to the
other person to try to change the way we listen.  The more you
watch your own performance, the less you judge the other
person's.  Forget about trying to put yourself in the other person’s
shoes because the shoes will never fit.  Just watch in silence at
how the other person is walking.  Intelligent, caring observation
should tell you all you need to know about those shoes.

Move on to
Lesson 9   Achieve Clarity
Lesson 8   Demonstrate Control
--Don't Forget to Listen